An Ode to the BF@W
People often offer this seemingly sage advice: “Don’t make friends at work.”
But is it true? Is there no value of having friends (or dare I say a best friend) at work? Some research leads to this conclusion, stating relationships with co-workers are now the least important factor in job satisfaction, especially for remote workers and that true friendship at work can’t occur because money will always play a role and cause drama. At its most pessimistic, it seems this belief assumes people don’t value human connection, care more about money, will take advantage of friendship for personal gain and step over others to get ahead.
In my experience, I haven’t befriended these types of co-workers. And if I did, it would be short lived. Plus, I wouldn’t want to work for an organization where this is the norm and part of the culture. When we spend 40 hours of our week together, I hope its with people that genuinely care for one another (even if just as fellow human beings on this earth) and enjoy working together for the success of the organization. So what’s the flip side?
Gallup’s research has continuously stated the importance of having a best friend at work, where employees found the social and emotional support from their best friends at work to be more critical than ever to get them through these challenging times (as demonstrated through a global pandemic). And in a world where business relies on relationships with customers, vendors, partners, etc., why would we not see the value to create this internally amongst co-workers?
As I reflected on this, having best friends at work has impacted my overall job satisfaction and career for the better. So here is a love letter to all the best friends at work (now referred to as BF@W) and what mine personally gave to me over the years (written with their permission of course!):
Opposites attract:
Learn from it. Your BF@W doesn’t have to be just like you. When you build this bond, you become more receptive of this being someone you can learn from that helps you grow and think differently.
circa 2018. My BF@W Melissa and I striking a pose as #legends at our work's holiday party.
When my BF@W Melissa joined my organization, I learned we have common leadership philosophies and very different styles on our approach. She is a role model for me for impeccable relational skills and leading with compassion. I seek her advice for tackling issues from her perspective which helps me take pause and think about what really matters.
Go the extra EXTRA mile:
Sure, you will give 110% to your organization. And there are days you may not be feeling your best. But if your BF@W needs you, you show up. Sometimes, this is what re-energizes you and makes you BOTH look good!
circa 2005. My BF@W Ashleigh and I at her Earth Day event as she tells me to get to work!
My BF@W Ashleigh was organizing a huge Earth Day event for 100+ youth. I volunteered to be her right hand, and while stressful to the very last minute when things don’t go as planned (like many events!), I dug deep knowing no one would show up for her the way a BF@W would to make her event a success. She deserved it, and she has done this for me tenfold throughout our lives as well.
Your Personal Cheerleader:
This is especially true in the beginning of your career as you chart your own path. Your BF@W can be the voice you need (literally, they are right there) to push you to the next level. Together, you keep each other accountable to your goals and also celebrate your career achievements. There is always enough room in the sky for more than one star!
circa 2006. My BF@W Brandy and I coordinated a multi-city drill and put our acting skills to use as moulaged disaster victims.
My BF@W Brandy and I always seemed to closely track our professional and personal achievements. We motivated and supported each other through going back to school, making the leap into management and even getting married and having children at the same time (our first borns share the same birthday!).
Be The Anchor:
Whether personal or work-related, stress doesn’t keep its boundaries. Your BF@W can be a safe space that prevents you from spinning out and keeps you grounded. You have someone to confide in, share your concerns with, and remind you of the importance of maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
circa 2023. My BF@W turned spouse Blayne and I renewed our vows after 13 years of marriage.
In 2005, I met my BF@W Blayne at new-hire orientation. In 2010, he got promoted from my co-worker to my co-pilot in life! When beginning my professional career, Blayne was my sounding board and helped me keep things in perspective. I never dreamed our relationship would blossom into what it is today (which I recognize is more the exception than the rule!). And when we had to work from home during the pandemic, it felt like old times chatting around the “water cooler” again!
Bottom Line:
If you are in the market for a BF@W:
It is human nature to want close and meaningful relationships. Having a BF@W blends your personal and professional worlds. So choose wisely! Being a person you trust, you can also set boundaries with your BF@W to make sure the relationship meets both your needs when at work. How can you support one another? What’s off limits? What will you do/not do for each other? Because having a friendship at work should not put your career in jeopardy, it should be a advantage.
If you are an organizational leader:
Wouldn’t you want your employees to have this type of support and encouragement at work? Create opportunities for employees to form relationships (e.g., eating lunch or taking breaks together, ice-breakers or wellness activities during meetings, celebrating employee personal and professional milestones, creating cross-collaborative teams to break down silos). While it may not always blossom into a BF@W, its simple: the more employees like each other, the more they support each other and the organization benefits.
It also may seem improbable to have a BF@W the more senior you are. So it can feel lonely at the top. All the more reason to lead by example and have a BF@W that understands this situation. You may have to fight off the perception of favoritism or bias, rumors or gossip, or even potential for conflict of interest. Just don’t let the worst case scenario be the rule. Only you know what’s best for your specific situation. If it truly doesn’t seem possible in-house, look for a peer group member that holds a similar role somewhere else.
We all deserve a BF@W. If you have one, take a moment to thank them for what they’ve given you! If you don’t have one, it’s never too late. Start tomorrow!